> What’s for you won’t go by you…

It means if fate intends you to have something, you will get it. In other words, relax, don’t scrabble about desperately trying to make things happen; if they are meant to happen they will, and if they aren’t, then they won’t.

Or apparently, it’s a Scots way of telling someone to be quiet and stop worrying.

Well, it seems like I’ve been hearing that phrase for what seems like forever. Or at least for around four years now I’ve been hearing it from different people – it’s meant to help, but if I’m brutally honest, it doesn’t seem to.

Four years is a long time to be in a level of uncertainty (and strangely it’s since around the time Trump was elected… but I imagine it has nothing to do with him.)

During that time there were flurries and long periods of certain stability, but each and every time it’s gone back to uncertainty…going a long way off into the distance. I try not to worry, but deep down it’s there, festering away, stealing the very being of Lorn away.

There’s a low level of stress humming along in the depths, and every now and again, the stress pours over and fight, flight or freeze comes into play until I realise what’s happening and try to take a hold of it all again. Like the ground is sometimes nearing to be like concrete for a bit, then all of a sudden it turns to sand again.

The problem with waiting to see what fate will serve up is that each time I don’t succeed in trying to get into a settled and concrete place, waiting for fate to make its mind up, it’s means I’m generally not ever put at ease, always on edge, always trying to stay upright in the sand. Never being able to get settled.

And whatever fate has in store for me, never seems to materialise. Then at the start of this year, when it finally seems to go nearly solid under me, eight months later it goes to f@£&ing sand again. Round and round, never quite getting to where I need myself to be.

So I sit, in a strange kind of steady and seemingly never ending uncertainty, trying not to worry, trying to settle in and enjoy the ride. Trying to know that everything is fine and everything will be fine, but also doing what I can to help fate along, to stop and settle into the journey.

Life is fine, it’s good, I’m healthy and happy enough, I have a good roof over my head, enough money in the bank, a Garagym, and a magic disco bike, and car etc, and most importantly people who care for me, and vice versus. Covid and restrictions are crap… but life goes on, and it’s not all that bad.

Now I wonder what fate will have in store for me? Maybe it’s a slow steady journey to the end of 2021 until the universe finally kicks me onto another path. Maybe fate has been trying to tell me to get on that path for four years, and by the end of next year I might have finally heard it’s message.

Or maybe I’ll continue down this path and end up finally finding certainty and a positive future where I can thrive again.

This week, one word I said has really annoyingly probably had the ability prevent my path from changing for the better… and maybe that’s fate too. But it doesn’t feel good. It feels gutting and utterly 2020 in nature.

One innocent and honest mistake, and it probably all disappears into thin air. It feels absolutely frustrating and that the world seems to be against me (sorry for the negativity, but it feels like fate is not being my friend right now).

And this has now become a regular feeling over the last few years – a circle of success and of failure, rejection, taking the chance to learn and trying to bounce back. Building that amazing thing called resilience, each and every time. I know I’ve got plenty of that and I know I’m the type of person who takes the opportunity to grow and learn from each and every hard lesson in life.

Maybe there should be a saying for ‘what’s NOT for you, will go by you… so don’t even bother with it’. But if only you could know it wasn’t for you in the first place, you wouldn’t spend the time and effort trying to get onto the path. But there isn’t, and you have to try. Or at least I do.

I have to say that I wish whatever it is that is for me, would come and find me. I’m getting tired, drained and impatient waiting for it, but I’m trying ever so hard to remain positive and bright.

Maybe now that Biden is elected and Trump is on his way out, the stars will align and Biden be good news for me…

… and maybe now that I’ve gotten past the 5 year anniversary of one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through (and of course I’ve got through it!)… the universe will give me a break. But maybe I’m just making up sh!t to try to make myself feel better – and trying to form some sort of crazy connection.

Right now it isn’t feeling so good… but I’ll get my cape back on, I’ll bounce back as I always do, and get myself back up and running. I’ll learn and move on to and embrace whatever is next.

I’ll be kind to myself, let go of worry, and get comfy in the sand for a bit. I feel it’s going to be a long ride to come, and I have a feeling you’ll be coming along on the ride, right next to me, as you always are. 👍🏻