In the last week, life (or death should I say) has taken over. Last Wednesday I managed 17 miles, then the next day I forced myself out for a 6 miler before the day started. I had a feeling I would have much time for running, and I was right.
I managed to fit a wee 5 miler in on Tuesday before a massage, but other than that I’ve just been buzzing about sorting things.
I was made the joint executor on my mums will so I got busy doing the things that needed to be done – sorting her funeral the way she would have wanted, the lawyers, going to her house to start clearing it. It possibly didn’t sound like much, but it was all new to me and each but took quite a bit of effort and thought.
So I made that the important bit of my life for a bit, and worked to make it all happen. And for some strange reason it all seemed to go so very smoothly indeed.
I wasn’t sleeping well, I’d get to sleep but would then wake up 5 hours later – ping! Wide awake – what will I do now? I knew I needed sleep, but I was getting by on 5 hours on average (and being very productive in my waking hours).
As well as the tasks that needed to be done, I needed to come to terms with my thoughts and emotions, and I needed to take care of myself too. Friday was quite a tough day where I read some writings of done when I was younger – that reminded me of a lot from when I was young.
It’s all so very much in the past now, but it reminded me why I removed her from my life about 8 years ago. And it helped me to make a few decisions that were right for me. I would do my granny proud and do what was right for me.
I’ve reached out to my much twice since she left, and I’ve said goodbye three times. I know what I’m doing is right for me.
I’d actually decided that I wouldn’t go to the funeral a long long time ago, but it took Friday for me to realise that I was doing the right thing for me. And the rainbow at 3pm driving along the M74 (after doing lots and lots that day) confirmed that to me.
At the weekend we started clearing the house – and in a blocked off cupboard I found this Christmas present for me, from my mum, from I don’t know how many years ago. I’ll keep that for Christmas day and see what it is.
I guess this last week has maybe made me realise and remember a few things, like some of the good traits she had that now follow through into me. But the bad memories seem to overtake any of the good.
Then on Tuesday I saw a total of 9 rainbows and got sent one in a message too. I seemed to drive through one on the M8. It is if course, the time of the year (low sun / rain clouds) but they sure did help me and make me smile.
Now I’ve taken myself away to Inverness (like I used to when I was a teenager, when times in the house were bad) and I’m spending time with those who helped me grow up. Who love me and care about me. I’m maybe going to do a long run tomorrow morning, 22 miles seems apt, but we’ll see.
I mentioned many peoples well wishes and I’m really grateful for them all. So many people were messaging me, cards, hugging me, being there for me. Sending me pictures of rainbows.
I even got a lovely book through the post (from someone lovely that I’ve run with a handful of times). I’ve never felt this before, but it really did make me feel strong – like I could do anything. Super lorn indeed!
I leave you with some words that really rang true with me, from my aunts funeral:
She has now found peace.
And may we also find peace, as we let her go.
Hold onto the things that in here were good, and lovely and true.
And if there are things to leave in the past, let’s leave them there.
And finally, did you notice it was a full moon on Wednesday?
This popped up on my newsfeed on Facebook, I hadn’t even gone looking for it. It came up the day after I’d completed my last task, and registered the death. About the full moon on November 24th…
the moon in November
this year is called a ‘Beaver Moon’ or a ‘Mourning Moon’.
This is a time of washing away the baggage of the past and letting it go. Once you’ve done that, you’ll be able to focus on the joys of the future. During the Mourning Moon phase, say goodbye to bad habits and toxic relationships, and get a fresh start for the new year. Work on developing and strengthening your connection with Deity.
A bit freaky, but very poignant.
All very much coincidence, but a coincidence that works for me. Now I feel an odd sense of relief and after just over a week, I plan to take my life back (and spend time with those I love and like).
Now that I’ve done my part I feel an odd sense of relief and I just want to get back to life as it was. I’ll take the time I need to get there.
Thanks for all the rainbows, and messages of support, they helped more than you’ll ever know X I’m sure it was you and your support and words that helped this all fall into place. X