I’m not sure how to start this, or what to write, but on Tuesday I found out that my Mum, my real Mum, had passed away.
It was a bit of a shock, and one I wasn’t ready for. But I’ve taken it all in and digested it, and now I know what to do.
Anyone that knows me well, or remembers this post from March 2015, http://lornpearsontrains.co.uk/2015/03/04/letting-go-you-can-do-it/ will know that our relationship wasn’t the best.
I won’t go into it in detail on here, but it’s safe to say that we had our struggles, pain and stress. I tried to reach out once I was grown up, but it didn’t work out.
I always deal with death by remembering the good, the fun, the happiness – but in this case it’s hard to remember (as the good times happened when I was so young).
This photo perhaps says it all a me happy as Larry, and my mum looking as if I’d just messed on her lap. ;-)
I know there were good times, and I know that I am who I am today because of my mum and my dad, but it’s hard to know what to feel. I know for sure that she helped me to become independent and strong, and now I’m taking that forward into the next few weeks.
On Wednesday, after I’d sorted a few things that needed sorted, I went for a long run before the daylight came to a close. I planned to run 13 miles, but ended up running 17 miles. 1 mile for every year she was in my life.
I took about 8-9 miles to get into it. My heart rate was high, and I was teary and crying at points. As the run went on, my jumbled up thoughts started to align and make sense. And by mile 13 I was feeling good, strong and confident. My tunes came on and the endorphins pumped, and I suddenly felt super strong. It was just what I needed.
It turned out to be a bit of an opposite to my first 17 years, a good early childhood, with bad to worse teenage years, whereas the run was tough at the start then it got easier and I got really strong towards the end, as the daylight faded into night time.
The day ended with my eyes sore from crying. But I did something I always do when something like this happens. I reached out to those I love. My brother, my Dad, Fit Girl and a network of good life long friends I’ve set up to help me cope. To help me be happy. To help me sort out my thoughts.
It’s amazing what a long run can do for you to help you sort yourself out and help you to feel much better. And do you know what’s even more amazing? That I have so many good friends who know me so well, and know just the right thing to say to help guide me in the right direction. (Thank you to those who know who you are).
Today was better, I put my cape on, and for some reason, I feel like there are some super powers building up inside me. No blame, no pain, no stress, no worry – bit by bit, just whatever needed done.
I took some time out to myself, making sure I was taking care of myself and arranging a few more things. I ran with my Twinnie and she stopped and gave me a hug mid run. I got a hug at work and some fun and cuddles from my good friend and her two young kids. All of which I was ver grateful for.
I’ve learned to lean on others and get help from them to push me in the right direction. Words, phrases, things to make me think twice.
I guess I learned what to do from when my granny died in 2001, and in the storm around when my aunt died last year, where I was right there for her, remembering her well. http://lornpearsontrains.co.uk/2014/10/28/all-is-well-and-remembered-well/
The tears are gone now, and I’m getting stuff done. I have a day full of appointments on Friday and I’m going to do the right things or her, and for me.
Over the years, I’d chosen to remove my Mum from my life, and I’d always defiantly said I wouldn’t go to her funeral. But you know what – some things are more important than others and I’m going to do what’s right for me, and go. Be there for my brother and see out her wishes.
It was all cloud and rain yesterday, but today the first thing that greeted me was this rainbow (my Granny shining down), then some sun later on. It’s all going to be ok.