When I was on my long run the other day, I was on my own, running along with my updated playlist. Ticking along nicely, I was about an hour in, and my thoughts went to my Mum for some reason.
(If you don’t like my personal posts – stop reading here.)
I know exactly what sparked it off … music.
When I was going through the time after my Mum passed away, I made a playlist with some songs on it. Songs I related to, songs I put my own meaning to… when times were tough and I needed something to help me get through it, music helped me.
Rudimental – Not Giving In
Naughty Boy – Running
Calvin Harris – My Way
Adele – Hello
Sigma – Broken Promises
Fight Song – Rachel Platten
All songs which helped me get over the past, rise above it and do what needed to be done. But on the long run, they reminded me of my thoughts about my Mum, about the last few years and how I was forced to have my Mum back in my life after I’d already silently said goodbye to her a year before she passed away.
On the run, I thought about my unanswered questions I had for my Mum …
– Why did she go the way she did?
– Why were things the way they were when I was young?
– Why did I end up being one of the ones to sort it all out in the end?
– Why me?
Back to the demons… back to the darkness and back to questioning things that would never be answered.
Then I snapped right out of it. Simple.
I stopped myself thinking about it, thinking about her. Out of the treacle, back to my run.
She’s gone, and it’s all over. As soon as the thoughts came in, they were gone. A clear sign that my life is getting back to the way it was before it was turned upside down the day she died.
Accepted, moved on, making plans.
Now I’ve written about the book ‘NLP How to take charge if your life’ by Richard Bandler – https://lornpearsontrains.co.uk/2014/03/30/take-charge-believe-and-be-happy/ maybe now is a good time for a reminder of it for me (an excerpt from the last chapter):
> A lot of people have had bad things happen to them. So instead of being glad that it’s not happening now, they go through it over and over in their heads, so that their present is destroyed by their past. Many people feel trapped by their past, but they aren’t really trapped. They’re just practicing a habit of feeling bad. >
> We always have the choice of taking our past and limiting our future, or taking our past and building a better future. NLP is about teaching people how to make it so that when they look at their past, they learn from it. They avoid suffering because of it. >
> Life is not about remembering and reliving unpleasantness from the past, but about going forward to look at life as the adventure it can be. Maybe reality isn’t what you think it is. Maybe whatever you think becomes your reality. >
> Tragedy exists only in the mind as a terrible memory. A memory is just a representation of an experience. When you change the way you represent an experience, you change how you feel about the experience. >
> The one thing in life that you can control is the inside if your head. If someone went into your house and painted horrible pictures on your walls, you wouldn’t leave them there would you? No of course not. You’d paint over them. Then why leave bad ideas inside your head? Unwanted negative images or horrible voices: there’s no point. >
> If you take charge of your beliefs, you take charge of your life. Problems don’t exist devoid of human beings, they don’t exist in the universe at large. They exist in our perceptions and understandings. Your beliefs can either trap you or set you free. >
Then today I was speaking to someone, and I told her about a time in my childhood that’s long forgotten, but I tell people about it sometimes. I’ll or go into it in detail, but it was one of the worst nights of my life … and my Mum was at the heart of it.
I wasn’t reminiscing as such, it came up in conversation… A time in my teenage years when things were the worst they had ever been…the worst they would ever be. A time when I longed for a home and for a normal family life.
‘Well look how far you’ve come… look at the person you’ve become. Throughout all that was thrown at you, you rise above it and became the successful and special person you are today.’
Then I’m reminded of a message I received not long after my Mum passed away, from a woman from my childhood that I wouldn’t have thought would reach out, but I was very glad when she did, and she said:
‘Hello Lorn. I’ve just seen your post about your Mum passing away. I’m not sure what to say about it really but wanted you to know that I’ve often thought about you over the years. You are a beautiful woman, inside and out, despite your early unhappy years. I admire the dignified way your are dealing with this and it is much more than she deserves. Take very good care of yourself and keep doing what you’re doing. You are amazing.’
My Mum used to say that she was leaving me to it in life (in my teenage years), so that I’d become independent… perhaps her way of making her feel ok about the way she was being. It worked, and I became independent and successful in so many ways.
I guess you can sometimes lose perspective sometimes and get tied up in the little things that don’t matter. You forget how bad it was before and how far you’ve come. Things are the way they should have always been. Things are good, life is good.
Now I need to remember that, and make sure I reach for the sunshine, and look forward to Spring and Summer and all it will bring. Focus on my goals for the marathon and following my plans for my training.
And maybe I need some new tunes to listen to, too. 😉 I’ve downloaded ‘Dua Lipa’ so that’s a start.