If you don’t like the personal bits of my blog, stop reading here… 🙂
I feel a bit odd this weekend. The first sunny weekend in the year, the clocks have gone forward and Spring seems to have sprung. And longer and lighter days are on their way, in more ways than one. Things are good, life is good, but there’s something eating away at me.
Yesterday would have been my Mum’s 76th birthday, and today is Mother’s Day. And it all feels a bit strange – Ok, but strange.
We never did Mother’s (or Father’s) Day in our house. My parents thought it was the card manufacturers way of making money (from them)… so the only cards they ever got from us were the ones we made at school. Maybe it shouldn’t feel odd, but it does.
The last year and a half since my Mum passed away have been tough. It feels like I’ve been fighting to get everything done. Helping my big brother, working together, him and I, to tie everything up the way she asked us to in her will. (Ever to be complicated) in one of her two wills, that is.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had fun too, and achieved great things, like running the London marathon and the Loch Ness marathon twice. And I’ve done lots at work and helped people by coaching them too. But it’s always been there in the background, etching away at me.
I’ve done whatever has needed to be done, big things and lots of little things bubbling under the surface, all the time ongoing beside normal life. Always things needing to be done, taken care of.
I’ve found it hard to be myself, often finding it hard to remember what it’s like to be care free and have fun. Like there’s a cloud over me, or always coming back over me. I’m sort of left wondering where ‘Super Lorn’ has gone.
But it’s getting better, with Spring, and more rainbows appearing too, things are progressing. I’ve taken on the request for me to be an executor on her estate, and it’s involved lots of things, lots of days and weekends doing bits and pieces to get the estate wrapped up.
Things are progressing and we’re nearly there. It’ll probably all be sorted by my birthday in June. The cloud over me will go, and I’ll be able to get back to normal finally. But this weekend has been a little bit tough in my own head.
I don’t remember feeling like this this time last year, on what would have been my Mum’s 75th birthday, on the 25th March. (Maybe it’s because I was away sunning myself in Portugal, watching the house martins fly by.)
Now I’m sitting here, aware that it’s Mother’s Day, seeing all the posts on Facebook celebrating Mum’s and how much of positive influence they have on my friends. And I’m sitting here a bit lost. With a void where my Mum should be, a void that has been been there for decades. A void I managed to fill with others.
She got to a point when I was about 10 where I think she simply lost herself. She’d had 5 kids and seemed to have a good life… then she seemed to lose it all. There probably are no answers, it just is what it is. And it’s way in the past.
I tried to be there for her, tried to go back to her and give her a chance, but it didn’t work. I dropped her from my life 10 years before she died, and felt confident in my decision. Life was better without her, and with others who were there for me instead.
I see pictures of us as kids, and I wonder what happened, why she went the way she did. But then I remember that it’s all in the past, and it’s what I do, and what’s in the present and future that really matters now.
In the last year, I’ve had lots of questions. I’ve come across writings of my Mum’s which might give some insight, but maybe just confirm what I know already, that she was lost and nothing or no one could help her. I’ve seen things that I didn’t think I’d ever see again and things I never wanted to see again. It’s been horrible.
But on a positive, I’ve realised that where my Mum wasn’t there for me, I reached out and found others who would be there for me in my childhood and now in my adult years. I’m very lucky to have them, even now.
The neighbour who was a teacher, and taught me so much about families and being good. The friend who was like a big sister to me. The friend of our family who kept in touch through letters full of wise and friendly words. The woman who was our babysitter and a big part of our lives when we were young, taking me in during my teenage years, making me a part of her family.
My Dad who always believes in me, the best friend who knows me so well and the big brother that has embraced me and kept me feeling strong and sane (?!). The partner who’s always there for me in so many big and little ways. Even the colleague who tells it as it is, hugs me when I need it, and would be there for me in a minute.
I’m also grateful that I built up a relationship with my Granny and Aunt too, and that I was able to do the last good few good things for my aunt at her funeral and with getting her headstone sorted.
And I’ve found purpose in making my Granny proud, something I told her I’d do, and something I’m pretty sure I’ve done. Elephants and rainbows, I’ve made them special in my life, just as my Granny was special in my life.
People have been there for me, lifting me up and helping me to see that everything will be fine.
This year I’ve given (8) glass rainbows along with a thank you note and card, to those who cared – to those who were there for me. And I have just one left to give. It feels like it’s all coming together nicely.
Now with Spring in the air, and the end of dealing with the estate in sight – my life is possibly going to take a turn for the better, opportunities might arise. And I’ll finally get my ‘comeuppance’ too.
It feels a bit like all of the hard work in life and in my work might have been worth it. Super Lorn might just be back. 😉
The next few months will unfold and the estate will be tied up once and for all. No more clouds lingering from it, no more rain. Hopefully plenty of sunshine and stars instead, with the odd rainbow to remind me of the good stuff.
This last year has been big grown up stuff, and now I’m looking forward to some fun, and some positive challenges.
I’m looking forward to what 2017 might bring. 🙂