I’ll be honest with you. The last 6 months has knocked me. New things I’ve had to deal with and other things I’ve dealt with and put behind me. I lost my super powers for a bit, and my cape was well and truly lost.
(Don’t worry I got them back… but…)
My confidence, my strength, my inner super human left me. Shouted down, scared away by life, death, memories, monsters and gremlins.
Instead of me telling myself that I could do things, instead of the positive self talk I was used to, I was telling myself that it was all a struggle, that this was hard. Life was hard.
I went from being so happy and strong and comfortable with myself, to slowly and steadily being ripped down, to a shell of who I used to be.
People noticed it too – ‘you’re really having a shitty time’, I was told. or ‘you’ve been such a strong person, and coped well with things in the past and you’ll get through this too’.
I was trying to put a positive face on, but I was having a shitty time. I was trying not to let it get to me. A lot of it I couldn’t do anything about. I was trying to function normally and work, rest, train and play. But it was hard.
Don’t get me wrong, there were little gems along the way, family heirlooms, and photos, and memories. I’m in possession of some of my family’s things that might have been lost forever. Important links to the past.
There was also fun and laughter, rainbows and sunshine. But there were a lot of clouds and rain too.
Cards, words and presents were priceless along the way. People cared, and people still care. It was like I was being lifted up by every word and thought I was spared. (Thank you!) Magic little rainbows seemed to pop up at just the right moments too. And songs helped too. All helped me to raise a smile in stormy times.
What was hard? It wasn’t the loss, or having to do what I felt I needed to do, or having to be a proper grown up, or doing what I thought was right. I’d said goodbye a long time ago, I took my hand off the stove and let go (over 10) years ago.
It was having to make really important decisions, and seeing things I hadn’t seen in years, in decades – memories, wanted and unwanted memories, pouring back in.
I was letting myself go back to a place I maybe didn’t want to go, because I felt I should, or I needed to. Doing things I knew no one else was around to do or able to do.
Decisions about what to do with ‘stuff’ – like this – a full cutlery set my parents got for a wedding present in 1965. (And there were many more ‘things’ like it – a full 3 bedroomed house full of ‘surprises’).
It was taken away from our house as part of the divorce about 20 years ago. But we used it every Christmas in our childhoods, and before. My Dad wouldn’t want it, and I wouldn’t use it. I doubt anyone else would want it – but it (could or should) be so special.
Other people were affecting me too – but I realised that I can’t do anything about what other people do – so it was best for me just to keep going, sense checking with my close support network as I went along. (Thank you all xx).
I realised that I’ve been disappointed by one person in my life so far, and I let her and that go a long time ago. I’ve learned that I can let go of real disappointments and they don’t matter – not in the grand scheme of things. Life is / can be better off without them.
But life was becoming a grind. I wasn’t training the way I wanted to. I’d lost my motivation. I couldn’t get up early like used to, to train. I got ill twice in one month (right when I should be getting into my marathon training).
It was all taking its toll. I noticed my mood dip sometimes and it was usually for no reason whatsoever.
However, many people were there for me just when I needed it, and others came out and supported me when I hadn’t even thought of them, but they thought of me. It was still hard – I’d lost myself. Super Lorn was most definitely away.
I tried to change the way I was thinking, trying to get back to being me. I tried to take comfort in all of the new history / information I’d found. In the ties to my Granny and my Aunt, that I’ll always have and keep safe forever. But I was finding it hard.
I’d lost that person who had a vision, a purpose in life, and a purpose to train and be healthy, happy and fit – to be me. I no longer walked to work with a smile on my face, ready to the face day and make a difference. I just went and tried to do it. Tried to do it so no one would notice that deep down, all this time later, I was still struggling.
I lost it all, as I had to deal with stuff that some others weren’t able to. The ‘fun’ seemed to fall away from my life. It all became tasks or things I needed to do.
Then as time went on, the things needing to be done became less, and time ticked by, leaving only a few things left to be concluded.
Winter didn’t help either: dark mornings, dark nights, the cold, the wind and the rain. Some days surprised me and a rainbow and some sun rays popped up, the weather seemed to be a bit like what was happening, and my mood – up and down.
Then I got some counselling through work, and realised in just two sessions that Super Lorn was here – hanging around in the background, helping me cope. She’d been there all along. 🙂
I’d been doing all the right things to get by – talking, writing, reaching out for support, asking for help, coping.
I got my sh!t together, and I managed to arrange my Aunt’s headstone to be paid for by my family, and ordered so that it’ll be in place for Summer. I wrote the words for her headstone (just as I had for my Mum’s a few months before) and sorted it all.
For my Aunt Sheila and for my Granny – something I just had to do when I realised it hadn’t been organised. (The picture above, of my Aunt and my Granny and Grandad, was taken on her wedding day, the day after her 28th birthday – 22 Dec 1973). 🙂
And I also realised that I can get through this – I was (and am) getting through this just fine. I’ve probably been through worse, and risen above it and learned a lot from it. And it’s probably why I’m who I am who I am today.
I took some time out of life – booked a short sunny holiday away. Sun, rest, recovery, sleep, good food, warmth, sunbathing, reading, writing, doing stuff I enjoy. Planning how to get my life back on track.
Planning how to train to do the London marathon in a few weeks time. Building my running and fitness and self belief back up so that I can confidently run the marathon at the end of the month.
I remembered that I can and that I will. I can do anything I set my mind to, and I will.
The holiday was a good and proper reset. After 5 days away (that felt like a fortnight), with over 10 hours sleep a night, I felt like I was starting to feel better. More like me. I could hear the confident self talk coming back again. Super Lorn is most definitely back in the house.
Some people may think that this ‘Super Lorn’ chat, this rose tinted glasses person is too much. That capes are annoying ‘make believe’ – but it all works for me.
Believing that good things are going to happen, not getting wound up with what could be stressful things, being laid back and enjoying life. Knowing what’s important (and what’s not) – it all works for me.
Knowing that all of the bumps in life help you appreciate the good times. Being grateful for who you’ve become and the things and people you have. Doing good and hopefully getting good back in return – it all works for me.
Looking at the world through rose tinted glasses, thinking the best of people, and of me, works for me. Placing meaning in things like rainbows, elephants, giraffes, sun rays, storms – it all works for me.
It makes me feel good and helps me be successful and enjoy the simple things in life. I’ve found my cape again and it’s thankfully tied on nice and tight.
I leave you with this song – Unstoppable by Sia. 🙂